Woe for a Woman Friend

A man fling — let’s call it — of a friend wanted finance and more sex because she worked and was providing sex. He didn’t seem to be much on any contribution. He kept coming into her life. It’s a bad contract on paper. Are these not business contracts at the end of the day, when we remove the opacity of ephemeral vagueries of love, romance, and twin flames–the magic?

Has the man done the requisite life training skills many women simply do, to qualify as a parental figure and role? She has kids. I doubt it. So, we’re back to wanting sex and money without any further provisions of services for this woman.

What about something emotional, like some supportiveness, or sociality, like a good ear? He could not even be a net positive for her emotions, so no. Many women find themselves in these positions as equality has furthered more and more. Traditional mating and dating is fading.

For a fling, though, either she wasn’t ready or doesn’t want one ever, again; both are legitimate, as he is out of her life. It’s her life too. She has the right to make a decision of having him in her life or not, and the terms of the contract seem weighted against the woman, my friend, entirely.

As far as I know, she was acting legitimately, as she communicated from the outset. She was right in line with most women who went through long marriages — getting bored, looking for something new, and a fling breaks up the monotony. Is it cheating? Is it consensual because the husband, in fact, knew?

Is a third wheel who provides nothing super substantive, in the larger picture, a good idea? Apparently, it turned out to be a bad idea, as it looks like a bad contract socially on paper, and a poor choice within the context of a marriage when a therapeutic intervention may have been better for this particular couple and woman friend.

For the husband, clearly, he needs to be sure on the state in the States, and the prenuptial legalities. Also, bigger point for the third wheel who wanted marriage, why is the government involved in marriage at all? Or for the third wheel, if he is trying to lure the woman out, he should be more certain on the conditions of the marriage too.

Which is to say, whether for mate poaching or mate keeping, a man should be wise about laws in a particular context of a country and in the country as a whole. Women should be wise to these contexts too.

Some ideas for their dating mess, how ever it turns out: Whatever their income, they pay relative to their income their ratio of mutual or common expenses like mortgage, food, gas, hydro, etc., whoever makes more pays more. It becomes apparent the rationale when you see extremes with a famous husband or wife.

Of course, they pay more when it’s more pennies for them. Personal stuff, that’s a non-joint separate bank account for each. The famous person or the better earner still has far more leftover for their own personal account, which the other never sees. Phone bill, physio bill, massage bill, mini vacations with the boys or girls, etc.

That’s like a modified Dutch. And I’m Dutch, so I can legit modify stereotypes about me. Fully support that, unless, they do most of the childcare and housecare, just doesn’t make sense. ‎They’ve done contributions. Men have that one harder in general. As men, your identity in culture is still job. No job, you’ve lost a proper place in society. You’re invisible.

The only crisis around men of note to demographers and to economists is around economics of men, in terms of production rather than consumption. It’s not about the mental health of the men. So, we can skip that. It’s true: Men have worked less and less each year in America, as an example, for over seven decades. These are long term not short term trends. They will not change in even a single decade.

My observation is women’s toolkit is more diverse or has had to be, but the men’s has had to be more singular focus or enduring drudgery and being willing to die. Just knowing your body is owned by the government in some ultimate sense with the potential of a draft overheard, these are cultures bound to self-sacrifice for the national cause. A promise of an afterlife can be consequential in this context of throwing one’s life away.

Thinking of a proactive, problem solving approach rather than the standard doom and gloom, my friend had an unpleasant experience, unfortunately, and made a poor choice. Which begs the question everywhere, if, and that’s a big if even in an adapted context, men aren’t attractive for success oriented qualities, what can they bring to table?

Photo by Wiktor Karkocha on Unsplash