The Martian Inside Me
The Martian Inside Me is part of a long collaboration with Norwegian writer Tor Arne Jørgensen and a compilation of our work to date. This is intended as a free public access resource.
Acknowledgements
The reason for this title is because, my search for answers to who I have, has thereby led me forward towards the unknown, where the feeling of my surrounding environment feels foreign and thus presented as alien. A state of desolation, whereas sensations of a landscape are created by endless entanglements and strange events which in turn provide the opportunity for a widening spectrum. To be an explorer in one’s own mind, where one is met with horror, wonder, emotions, hidden talents and, not least the fear of confrontation of who one really are, is, therefore, to be labelled as the Martian inside me.
Tor Arne Jørgensen
To Tor for the expansive collaboration and wide range of topics covered within his extensive remit, particularly schooling the young, which is ever-present and important.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Foreword by Tor Arne Jørgensen
My first encounter with the high intelligence community was back in 2015. The experience I had then was one of absolute joy, an ecstasy of finally coming home to one’s own. A place where one could be understood and accepted as equals. Imagine wandering through life in search of oneself. Many of us, and not just those with high intelligence, but all of us, search for something more, something that is mysteriously hidden from us. And then to find what you have been searching for so endlessly long, has such an inexplicable aura about it, something that cannot be described with just a few simple words. They become, as the saying goes, inadequate…
The fact that words are not sufficient is manifold reinforced for those who feel no boundaries, or see within what is considered extreme. Our brain is, in my opinion, our next step in evolution. What does one think of then? Well, regarding our physical self, yes, much remains, but not in any way near what remains to be understood of all our intellects. The mysteries of the brain, our hitherto unexplored field. It may seem like a lot of nonsense to view it this way, but if one reads between the lines, everything appears so much clearer, but only for the chosen few.
Evolution is many things, can be so much more than what we are left with when we hear the word. History put under the microscope is very much like putting time on hold. Joy, hate, laughter, and sorrow, each and every one of them clocks out only to clock in again and again. Logic was long all that mattered to me, nothing could surpass its all-encompassing wonderful being. The years following 2015 saw the hunt begin to devour whatever came my way. Becoming the best was all that mattered; everything else could wait. Can an IQ test be addictive, sitting hour after hour solving the unsolvable? At the time of writing, one looks back on the madness. No money to earn, no one who cares. Not in any way close to what athletes are left with, perhaps not so strange … Remember to read between the lines, dear reader.
At the end of the road, one can say that it was all worth it. The confirmation I sought was answered, for better or worse. The happiness I thought was secured proved to be so, but the time it lasted did not meet expectations. The hours that disappeared, I never found again, lost like everything else. Here I could have ended my journey, but what comes next is the certificate I acquired along the way. Divided into pieces, it tells what comes next, who I was, who I met, and who I am left with on my own little wondrous, lost, wonderful island. Not big enough for little me, but big enough for a whole world.
Before I finish, take with you three small texts from my first book «74» that describe my three stages through life, and finally a line that sums it all up.
Wondering about the unknown elements within yourself and in your surroundings
One of the most common feelings at a young age is the sense of one’s mind spinning out of control, where you sort of lose all touch with the outside world and your place within it. In this first part of the book, I will try to focus on the problem that many young people find themselves in, a time plagued with desperate attempts to find answers to some of the biggest questions in a young person’s life, questions like “Who am I to myself?” and “Who am I to you?”
Just remember that the people you surround yourself with will, whether you like it or not, shape everything around you for better or for worse, all while you are right there at the center of it all, like a sun that the planets just whirl around. As your life is about to take off, everything feels like a complete mess both outside and within. Questions will surface, questions like: How on earth am I going to survive? Am I going to lose myself completely right from the get-go? Am I going to make it despite all the setbacks I will surely face as I plough through life?
As I have read through various research articles about the human brain not being fully developed until it reaches 25 years of maturity, this research suggests that before this age, the autopilot is set to max, where everything not best tested is just that, and to its fullest at any cost that may or may not come next. As an adult watching on, this is a reality at its worst, as we can easily envision the consequences of their actions as we are forced to relive them all over again. While these unruly youths, from their point of view, think that we adults don’t understand anything at all and just keep their pedal to the metal, leaving their yet-to-be-discovered responsibilities in the dust.
“If only the world didn’t have to hurt so much.”
It is like two worlds speaking two very different languages. Two worlds that only want to inflict pain on each other, but of course that’s not true. The two worlds are just set adrift in different directions in the hope of one day finding themselves stranded on the same beach together, filled with mutual understanding, newfound love, and respect for each other.
As many young people tend to say:
“Why should we learn things that we will never have use for? What’s the point of living the life you never got to live? Our lives are not your lives, we would never ask you to live our lives, so don’t ask us to live yours. We are not your second chance to relive everything that was worth caring for nor to relive every opportunity missed.
We just want to live our lives the way we want to live them, on our terms only. If only you adults could somehow understand, when we say that we need to find out who we are for ourselves, society just needs to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is, just accept it, no ifs, ands, or buts.”
The chaos that occupies their young minds is there for a reason; it is their undefinable spark. So, just let them find their own way, no matter how painful it may feel. Only then can they be able to identify who they really are and where they must venture next, guided by the spark within them that will lead them towards their understanding of enlightenment. Remember the saying “The road is made as we go.” So let them envision their own nirvana, then and only then can we at some point later in life rejoin on the other side where we will once again speak the same language as we once did.
Exploring adventure, intimate feelings, and your darker side
Just as historical moments from time to time tend to throw the world off balance, life too, in much the same manner, also has this tendency to tip us over. Meaning that every decision accumulated from early age onwards will, at different stages, pave itself a new direction or decide to stay on the same path as before. What I would like to convey in this second part is the inevitable importance of dealing with what meets us when we as individuals are at a loss of where to go next. The choices that can topple us when we least expect it — just when everything seemed to be planned out, disaster strikes. This is where the battle between good and evil comes to be a very definite reality: who will I end up as, who am I at the very core, shall I embrace love or drown myself in self-hatred?
Question to you all:
Have you ever thought about taking a real good look into the mirror and being completely open to what or who may stare right back at you? To risk facing the scariest thing of all, as you could easily be your own worst nightmare, and if so, how to contain it? Do you cover it up so no one will be the wiser? What would you do if this were the case…?
Whatever your answer may be, the truth of the matter is that we have been forced through millennia of generations to reveal our true colors come what may. Many people, myself included, know all too well the lure of the unknown darkness, where we just want to consume everything that comes in our path just like a giant black hole that engulfs everything within its reach, oblivious to the notion of right or wrong.
At this stage, the choices we make must be treated with the gravest importance because the reality we now face in adulthood shapes the end version of us. It is at this point in life that we must confront our inner demons much more so than before. As mentioned earlier, “are we able to contain our inner demons or not? Are they to be embraced fully or kept tucked safely away?” These are just a few of many major decisions each of us must assess through our lives in various degrees. The choice between being naughty or nice.
Curiosity, life’s end, family, love, and friendship.
As I’m about to hand in my keys, I find myself looking back, and what I discover is that the life that once felt like an eternity passes far too quickly. A time that once was in abundance is now reduced to just a few sacred moments soon to be scattered to the four winds. As an introduction to this final chapter of my book, I will begin by asking questions about the meaning of life and reminisce over lost love eroded away by time. I will also talk about the importance of family values and long-lasting friendship, all the important pieces that make our lives worth living.
As we get to a certain age, more and more questions keep popping up, questions like: How will the near to far future look, and what will happen to us next when we are faced with the ultimate climax, i.e., the inevitable ending that awaits us all, the very thing that everyone does their best to block out? Why are we forced to see ourselves weathering in the same way that time sees itself ebbing away until only a single grain remains desperately clinging to whatever hope was left?
As a reminder of how we came to be, i.e., the origins of what we all take for granted. Animals, people, flowers, trees, land, sea, indeed all between the heavens and the earth. Why is it that all life except our own is blissfully unaware of the fate that awaits at the end, our own mortality, the only thing left that will not succumb to our will? On that occasion, I feel that the following question is most appropriate:
By what right were we created, fully aware of what we must face when life decides to give up? What was the grand plan of making us living witnesses to our own demise? Is this not the ultimate sign of cruelty, afflicting this kind of pain upon us humans? Could we not just wander through life oblivious to everything around us like everything else?
Were we not deemed worthy enough for you to grant us the gift of blindness to life’s ultimate sacrifice? If you only did as any great author will do when he or she gives life to a story, they hold back from revealing the book’s true intentions until just a few leaves remain. Then at least many of us would be spared the horrors of dealing with the notion of death every single day. A daily reminder of how fragile life can be, whereby with a snap of a finger all can be lost. Is life really meant to be as fragile as it’s portrayed to be?
As the saying goes, prayers heal all wounds, both the wounds we see on the outside and the wounds we never get to see, the ones that linger on the inside. I wonder, is there also a prayer for cheating at the ultimate cost?
As I look upon memories that flip through their greatest hits, I keep reminding myself that the best memories are the ones that are shared with everyone around. “To love thy neighbor as thyself” is for me to love everything and everyone that loves me back. Remember that a full life is a life shared together with the love of your life right by your side, as you watch your perfect offspring as they take to their wings in your forever prayers.
As my glass now reads empty, I would like to add:
To my eternal friends, you who took me under your wings, I will never forget you. As I now come to my end, let me just say, give your all to the ones you hold dear, and life will take care of the rest. Maybe we are the lucky ones, lucky in the sense to be able to reflect on all the joys and all the sorrows that have made us who we are. If we are in some way able to hold onto this notion, then perhaps death is not so hard to swallow after all, whether life has led us astray or not.
I want to include a saying that came to me in the shelter of the night. I couldn’t let it go, and in many ways, it summarizes how I experience the world around me. I hope it makes sense. It goes as follows: Here’s the proofread version of the line:
Who then interprets those who refuse to be read by those who refuse to understand?
Image credit to Scott Douglas Jacobsen and Tor Arne Jørgensen
